Someone's gotta have your back

My neck, my back...
Nope, not going there, not a good idea. 

I've been hesitant to share this with a potentially indefinite audience, because I'm still feeling a little ambivalent about this thing myself. But your back is important and you have to take good care of it. Back muscles are one of the fastest muscle group to grow, but still many people fatefully neglect their backs. 

Why am I so concerned with this?

When I was nine years old, I broke my T5. That's the fifth vertebra in the thoracic spine.

I was on bed rest for four weeks, causing the muscles in my legs to deteriorate to the point where I had to learn walking again. The memory was there, but the muscles weren't. It was a scary experience that I wish on nobody, because well, as a toddler you don't get the process, it's nothing you do consciously. Plus, the floor is closer if you fall. But that's a whole other story. Fact is, when I was walking again and living life like nothing happened, I had passed this one on to the closed files. It was something that had happened to me a long time ago and sometimes in "what if..."scenarios I'd realise just how lucky I had been. 

Fast forward ten years. The edge of my left trapezius muscle starts getting stiff on some days. Whenever I move my shoulder blade in an up and down motion, it makes an ugly sound. It's only the left one, though. 

Another few years. I start working out. It's more often than not these days that my shoulder blade catches on the edge of my trapezius and my upper back is tense most of the time. Working out releases some of the tension. Sometimes when the tension lessens, I get aural migraines and have to puke from the pain. Probably just bad posture. Still only the left side.

Another few years later. I start MMA. I'm a leftie. The catching of the shoulder blade on the edge of the muscle, the reduced movement radius and the pain make things a little harder, but not unbearable. It works okay. Not well, but okay. Some days now, my right side starts to show symptoms, too. I've been having this for so long, it can't be that bad.

Summer 2014. Made a strange move with my head when I tried looking over my right shoulder. Can't move without pain. Have to sit down. Go to work where my boss asks me why I'm so pale. Tell her I'm not feeling well. Am sick to my stomach from the pain. After a few hours I cannot sit anymore because it hurts. Decide to stand up. Cannot support the weight of my own head with the muscles in my neck because it hurts so bad. Sit down again. Start crying when the pain comes rushing in in waves. My boss tells me to go to the doctor. Now. Like: NOW! Cannot get up. My boss sends someone to buy pain meds. After I took two 400 Ibuprofens I am able to make it to the doctor's office. Which was about 500m from my workplace. 

The doctor looks at me. Sits behind her desk and looks at me. Asks me where it hurts. Asks me to turn my head. Cannot physically turn my head. Pain. She says I should probably stretch more, go get a massage when everything's a little better. I don't tell her that I do yoga and go see a sports masseuse every other week. I would have probably shown these symptoms earlier if not. She prescribes me muscle relaxants and strong pain meds. As I get up to leave she asks me what I do for a living. If I needed sick leave. I considered it for a moment, then said no. I was part-time cleaning and part-time doing office/human resources work for the same company. I wanted to believe her, when she said, all I needed to do was stretch more. But. It didn't really help. 

The residual pain got stronger. I've never hat acute pain like that after this incident, but my upper back hurt. Every. Single. Day. 

A couple of months ago I realised I was eating pain meds like other people eat candy. I thought about going to the doctor again. Decided against it and stretched more. 

Then, one day, the feeling in my left hand left partly. There was a tingling sensation where I still felt something. I called my boss and asked her to see our work physiotherapist. And Wednesday I went. I finally got to go. She was nice. Asked lots of questions. Told me if she did not know I was in pain, she would have never seen anything. My posture is better than average and outwardly there's not much to see. Then she bend and shaped me a little. Tried the flexibility of my muscles, limbs, how my arms move, everything. 

Finally she said: "There's a slight disturbance somewhere around your C5. And your spine from there down to T5 is really rigid. I believe that this stems from the same trauma that caused the breaking of your T5, but because everybody was focused on the broken vertebra, they might have easily overlooked any trauma in the soft tissue surrounding your spine." 

So there it was. My ghost had come back to haunt me again. And it had brought friends. 

It is a strange feeling when you've been dealing with something a long time ago and have actually found closure, just to find out that nothing is as easy as it seems. I got some spine mobility exercises from my physiotherapist and now - only one and a half day later - I am pain-free for the first time in ages! 

I have to do an exercise similar to this, just a little higher. This mobilises the thoracic spine, if you put the resistance across your shoulder blades, and bend your head back in a half-circle, you mobilise your cervical spine.

There are two things I am feeling right now:

1: relief. Constant pain is something you learn to live with, but you are always kind of strung out, weary, there's always this voice in the back of your head: "It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Acknowledge the pain." You only realise that when you're pain-free. It's like Bucky Barnes once said: "Worse off became the new normal", but that doesn't mean that worse off is good.

2: anger, frustration at myself for not seeking help years earlier. For letting it come so far. 

So, take good care of your back. Keep old injuries in mind whenever there are symptoms close to them. Go to the doctor on time. Here are some great exercises for spine mobility: 

Utthita Trikonasana expands your chest and shoulders, increases neck mobility and stretches your spinal muscles. Plus many other things. 

And this is one of my favourite exercises to help thoracic mobility. 

And here's kind of a cheat sheet for quick spinal mobility exercises and better posture. 

I hope you got a little bit out of my experience and maybe a little inspiration to give your back a little love <3

Pain and sports

Pain without love

Pain I can't get enough 
Pain I like it rough
Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
(Three Days Grace - Pain)

"An athlete doesn't see a healthy day" [urheilija ei tervettä päivää näe] - Finnish proverb.

"Push through the pain"

"Love the burn"

"Better sore than sorry"

"No pain, no gain"

We all know these fitspo-slogans coursing up and down the internet. We all want to be brave, we all want to push through the pain, gritting our teeth and be the person who does all this fitspo-superhero-romantic stuff. But how do you know when enough is enough? How do you know that your body can go no further?
Pain actually is a warning sign, it is supposed to tell you that you are not okay. That you should slow down a bit. We all know this, but still we grit our teeth and keep on doing what we're doing until we just physically cannot push any further.
Believe me, I know.

Just a few bruises, a taped-up joint capsule and toe and a swollen ankle...

I'm still trying to figure out what the right measure is. When to stop. I'm the worst when it comes to not giving in to reason because it feels like giving up.
In January I woke up one morning and started crying when I tried to get out of bed, but was so sore that I needed about two minutes to just sit up. Everything hurt. But the worst thing was: it had been that way for the last four and a half months. I woke up this one January morning and realised that I could not remember a day when nothing in my body ached within the last four and a half months. It had been enough. I took a week-long break. I had gone all this time doing sometimes up to 20 hours worth of workouts or stretching or anything at all related to sports a week, most weeks making do with one rest day. Sometimes none. I remember there being a streak where I had gone almost twenty days without rest. I was hanging at the end of my rope. And there I was, trying to sit up, crying. But why do we let it get so far?

For me it was pride, one of my main triggers, and the will to prove that I was just as good, just as strong, just as robust as the guys. No, I wanted to be better than the guys. As the only girl working out and training with a bunch of guys, you get this false sense of having to prove you're worth it. Having to prove that you can take a hit. You feel like you have to put in twice the work the guys do, show them you are indestructible, not realising that all you achieve is destruction.
And I wanted to compete in MMA. I had to improve, no matter what the cost, I could not simply skip training because something hurt. I broke my toe and kept on going. I couldn't walk right, but that didn't keep me from jumping, lifting, and sparring. I taped it, it hurt like hell every time I removed the tape. It didn't heal properly. But... everyone was doing it. Our trainer had all his toes taped. It was a running gag. Broken toes and training with them are an everyday thing.
I messed up the joint capsule of my right big toe a few weeks later. Hurt real bad. Still hurts and it's been almost four months. Again, I couldn't walk properly. Again, I taped it. Am still taping it before some training sessions.
I can't move my right thumb right, because I once hit a right hook a little off kilter and my thumb connected with the pad, there was a strange noise and pain. Didn't matter, I had a match coming up.
The knuckles in my boxing gloves were bruised and/or bloody a few times, but there was still three training eras to go. So I went the whole nine yards. Got a few pale scars on my knuckles these days.

no need to explain this, is there? 

And then there are the bruises. Lots and lots of bruises. Some hurt more, some less.

This one hurt a little more...ouchie

And last but not least, the soreness. The feeling that you just cannot get out of bed in the morning because your body just hurts.
And what for? Pride. A false sense of achievement when you swap war stories with your peers. And then you get to the point, where you're super girl. When your trainer tells the rest of the group: "Guys, just look at the lady. Now there's a good example for all of you!" or someone just says in passing: "Well, but no challenge for you, it's probably child's play to you." They don't see that you hurt. And how could they when you've become so good in just pushing harder whenever it hurt.
And at some point you start to believe your own press.


When I got the news that even my last match of the season - the fourth cancellation this spring - would not happen because there was no suitable opponent, I crashed totally. Only then, the excitement and anticipation leaving me, did I realise just how messed up my body was. And not because someone else told me to keep on going, but because I kept telling myself that I had to. I got an all-or-nothing kind of attitude that makes it hard for me to slow down once I've found something I like, I'm crazy ambitious/competitive and I have this slightly addictive nature. Sports tickles that the wrong way sometimes. I have to learn to do the moderation thing. I'm working on it.

A good start was my trainer, who at one point told me to remember to rest. When that did not help, he actually told me to keep my feet still the rest of the day and the next day. Rest. Whenever I'd look too tired, he'd ask me what kind of workouts I had done that week, how many rest days I'd had. If he didn't like the answer, he told me to slow down. If the answer was alright, he'd tell me to remember to eat. At one point he continuously told me to remember to eat well. I had probably lost too much weight/speed/strength at that point and didn't even notice myself. A good trainer with your best interests at heart is worth everything and more.
But what if you don't have that voice of reason?

A) Learn to distinguish different forms of pain. There is good pain (like the burning in your thighs after you did a hard squat set) and then there's bad pain (like the stinging pain in your knee after you've been doing deep squats on five days in a row without a rest day and maximum weights). Those are just extreme examples. If a certain movement hurts, don't do it or get someone to tell you if your technique/posture/etc. is right.
B) Good pain can become bad pain, too. Remember my soreness-story? Not good. You need to give your body some well earned rest if you want to see muscle/strength growth or any kind of development.
C) Listen to your body. This sounds easier than it actually is because there are all these other motivators screaming over the voice of your body. But if your body says it's not a good day to get in a Body Pump/Combat/Step/Attack-session, then don't go because the instructor's cute (been there, done that :P), don't go because you ate that cupcake and now have to train off the calories (it doesn't really work like that anyway), don't go because you always go (most stupid reason I ever had..."But I always go to this class") and don't go to prove a point to anyone. Not even yourself.

Now, keep in mind that I'm still struggling with these. I still believe there are things worth going through pain. That jacked up ankle in the picture? I didn't tap out in a tournament. And escaped and got my opponent sweeped afterwards. It wasn't pretty, but it gave me that small experience of success.
Hello, my name is Kitty and I am a sports addict. But it's been 8 days since my last incident.