Those last few weeks...

...have been quite busy and a little exhausting. Mind you, I'm far from complaining, but there have been so many firsts that I don't even know where my head's at right now. I haven't yet had the time to mentally or emotionally catch up to where we're going right now.  

Firstly, I moved to Berlin. And signed my work contract on the same day just to start working almost right away for four days straight. In a new job, new field. I'm now a proud member of the IKEA clan. But. I'm also working in gastronomy. How that's possible? Well, I'm working for IKEA Food, which entails everything from selling to cooking to actually serving the customers and working the cash register. The good thing is: it never gets boring. There's always new things to learn. But well, that means a whole lot of mental input. But it's fun. My work mates are great. And payment as well as the way IKEA takes care of its employees could not be better seeing that, on average, I work only three days a week.

Secondly, I've travelled to Amsterdam for the first time. Because I only work three shifts a week, I can travel quite freely without even being on vacation. My brother had his summer vacation and thus we decided to make the six hour train/nine hour bus trip to the capitol of the Netherlands. And it's been great. I fell in love with the relaxed atmosphere in the city and its Grachten and the red light district where everyone's just allowed to be themselves and do whatever they enjoy without judgement. Also, my brother was a great companion, keeping me from shopping too extensively, but making me see things I didn't necessarily know I wanted to see. I've rarely walked this much in spite of having a tram ticket. Emotionally, the Anne Frank Huis really got to me. It's strange what human beings do to others, sometimes. I can't understand it. And I don't want to. One of the things that stuck with me was the sentence: "Her would haves are our possibilities" and in keeping with that, I now try to help people whereever and whenever I can. Also, I feel like I ate myself through most of Amsterdam's food offerings. Macaroons? I tried everything that sounded good to my ears and taste buds. Pancakes? Tried them filled with egg and salmon, decked out with bacon, cheese and syrup, and with Nutella. Belgian waffles? Yes, with Nutella, with ice cream, and with ice cream and Nutella. I also tasted myself through a whole cheese shop, had some chocolate-hemp ice cream and strop waffles. Had some espresso though I ordered coffee. Ate some great Zwieback-biscuits. And I peed at a public toilet that had a great view over the whole city centre (sorry, if that's tmi, but it really impressed me). 

Back from Amsterdam, I had a day to prepare for the visit of my mother. Three days with her and my brother planning our US-trip for 2016. 

And this last week went into getting back into some kind of everyday life like I'm used to. I dragged my old gym buddy to my new gym to attend XpressDay and do the new Les Mills choreos with me. And now I got an old new gym buddy :) Then I tried CrossFit. And fell in love-hate with it. I was so sore for three days, it wasn't even funny. So yes, first CrossFit workout? Done and done. Afterwards I ran into my German MMA partner in crime from January, who convinced me to join her in Jiu Jitsu practice. I was totally done after CrossFit, but I said yes anyways. The DOMS was strong that week. And then I finally got back to BJJ practice and made a contract with Randori Pro. Oh, and at the same time I was asked if I wanted to compete at White Belt Challenge next Saturday. I said yes. So, first competition in Germany coming up, too. So much about my pondering of maybe really just doing this for my fitness and fun. 

Oh, and before I forget; before moving to Berlin I considered applying for a certain job at a certain firm. I thought, I'd know when the time is right, when it feels right. Yeah, turns out, life is what happens while you are busy making other plans: said firm asked for applications for said job on their facebook-page. No need to say, I've already sent in my application. 

So, does anyone understand why I could maybe need a moment to get to the surface and get a good glimpse at the situation that is my life? I feel like everything is just happening all the time and I'm playing it by ear, and mostly that's okay with me, I'm good at just winging it, but I might just need a moment to get my bearings right. Though I have to admit, if everything continues like that, I might just be okay with continuing like this. 

Never judge a book by its cover. Or: a week back in Germany

"I've got fire for a heart, I'm not scared of the dark, never made it look so easy [...] Nobody's gonna drag me down" 

(One Direction - Drag Me Down)

This has been the soundtrack to my first week back in Germany. How has life in Germany treated me so far? The answer is, I'm not sure. It still feels like I'm only on vacation. I mean, yeah, I've been working five days within the last seven days, but work doesn't feel like work. It's strange to think that I get money for giving people food and taking their money. It's pretty physical, yes, but fun, too. And our team is just great. I love the fact that people are talking Russian and Turkish left and right, even though I understand neither. But yeah, it's kind of surreal that I get paid for this.

Then I started following the youtube-account "Yoga with Adriene" and the accounts "30 Days of Yoga"-videos, meaning I've been doing yoga every day for at least 20min, which is astonishingly addictive. Or rather: I notice how I feel worse when I don't down-dog and plank and stretch it out. 

On the gym side of things, I've been a little lazy, only going to the gym every other day. Went to Grit Plyo on Thursday and boy, the instructor was...for lack of a more sophiaticated word...hot. And he knew what he did. which made him even hotter. But yeah, was a great Grit.

Saturday I went to a Combat class. The fourth Combat class I've attended in Germany at Superfit this far and for the first time I had an instructor who knew what she was doing. For the first time an instructor that could be compared to the ones in Finland. I'm a spoiled brat, when it comes to this because I'm used to instructors on a really high level. Good-looking, fun, nice instructors that are really good at what they're doing. Which brings me to the topic at hand: yesterday I went to BodyStep and BodyPump at Superfit Mitte and there was this dude on stage that looked a little like a charicature or Goofy as an instructor: he wore one of those 80's sweatbands on his forehead and short shorts and his hair looked funny and I was just like: "You kidding me?!?" But I thought that it'd be better to do some uninspired training with him than just leave and go later in the day. 

And right I was. Partly. It was a good decision to stay. And I was wrong; the classes were far from uninspired. Actually, they were two of the most fun and rad classes I've been to in Germany. One of the greatest BodyStep-classes overall. And not in spite of but because of his quirky personality that was paired with a great deal of knowledge about technique and anatomy. He gave great pointers and made me laugh more than once during the two hours that just flew by. He still reminded me of Goofy, but by the end of Pump-class it didn't matter any more, because he won me over. In spite of my previously made decision that no one is ever gonna be as great as the instructors at my Finnish gym. 

Another one that really got to me was the BodyAttack instructor whose class I already went to in August. She's not funny like Goofy, but she gets me to do stuff. She's efficient. And nice to look at. I'm not into girls, but if I were, I'd definitely crush on her. 

When it comes to MMA/BJJ, it's still rather boring, because I did not have the peace of mind to go and set up the contract with the gym. Also, there's a shitload of stuff ahead right now. The next two days, I'll be out of town and then it's the weekend and they're closed and then my mom's here and then it's almost October again. Ugh. And there's my five day work week next week, because I only have one day this week. But after me mom's gone, I'll be putting some effort in there, too. But right now, I got drive and I'm unsettled and I got itchy feet and wanderlust and yeah. I'll keep you posted about my ex tempore stunt that's gonna happen this night. 

Friendship is weird, especially when saying goodbye

"I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
 We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go"
(Rise Against - Swing Life Away)



I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
Yesterday was my last real day at work and now it's only ten days until I return to Germany. Well, Berlin. Berlin sounds totally different than Germany, doesn't it? At least to my ears, it has a totally different ring to it. But I might be imagining things.
Yesterday was one of those days that seem like they should suck out loud, but... it didn't. It would be wrong to accuse yesterday of being a bad day. My day at work was okay, and yes, I was still suffering from those last symptoms of my cold and a really lazy brain, but other than that, I was doing quite well. I bumped into a guy I know at the store and while my brain really left me in the lurch when trying to talk to him, it was still nice to see him. Gotta tell him that I'll be missing him. Gotta tell him that I think he's a decent guy and I will most definitely miss him. Why do we only tell people stuff like that when we're leaving or when we're dying? Gosh, that sucks. We talked again today and this time my brain worked well enough to at least answer questions and do the words into sentences putting thing. I don't know if you can tell, but I'll be missing him.

But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
Then - back to yesterday - I bumped into another guy. Well, not any other guy, but... he's kind of "the one that got away" in the narrative of my life. I've had a major crush on him when we first met (and I've told him that once, when the acute crush was over) and I'd actually written off seeing him again before I leave, but there I was just leaving my flat to get a piece of cake (yes.) when he was just walking by my building. We exchanged a few sentences and while I was looking at him, I noticed with a hint of melancholy that we've changed. Now he's not the one that got away because there's never been anything between us, but because he's not there anymore. Or no, that's unfair. He's changed a little. And I've changed a little. And between the two of us we changed a lot; the things that once build a bridge for us to meet on, they were not there anymore. And there we were, the same two people and still two perfect strangers. But it was a good thing for me to see, because it makes it easier for me to leave. It doesn't feel like there is still something left open. Now there's just another tiny scar that tells a story of what once was. It is gone, but it left a mark. We said that we'd see each other again. And maybe we will.

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know...It's an interesting line, really. Because we always talk about friends like they are those people that know everything about us and that we know everything about. I know him/her inside out. But is that really it? Is knowing that someone has a bigger sister and what their favourite band is and that they don't like asparagus what matters? I have friends like these, but I also have friends like those two above. Because to me, friendship is a feeling. Some sense of kinship. Sometimes not even needing words. I remember telling a girl I've known for ten minutes almost everything about my stalker-ex. She ended up being one of my best friends. Still is, even after ten years. I either like and trust someone or I don't, no matter how much I know about them. If I'm happy to see you or I like to spend time with you? Tough luck, I will consider you my friend. Even if we haven't exchanged phone numbers and I don't know where you live. Chances are that that's not important to the kind of friendship we have. There are different types of friendship and not all require actual factual knowledge about each other. Some are just about having a good time, when you see each other. The only thing that bugs me: am I allowed to hug them goodbye? I don't need to know more about them, right now. And guess what? I have never been asked to take a test on any of my friends.

But here's some random fact about me, you are allowed to quote if need be: I quite dislike socks.

No, really, I don't like socks. I rather go without them nasty little buggers.

Someone's gotta have your back

My neck, my back...
Nope, not going there, not a good idea. 

I've been hesitant to share this with a potentially indefinite audience, because I'm still feeling a little ambivalent about this thing myself. But your back is important and you have to take good care of it. Back muscles are one of the fastest muscle group to grow, but still many people fatefully neglect their backs. 

Why am I so concerned with this?

When I was nine years old, I broke my T5. That's the fifth vertebra in the thoracic spine.

I was on bed rest for four weeks, causing the muscles in my legs to deteriorate to the point where I had to learn walking again. The memory was there, but the muscles weren't. It was a scary experience that I wish on nobody, because well, as a toddler you don't get the process, it's nothing you do consciously. Plus, the floor is closer if you fall. But that's a whole other story. Fact is, when I was walking again and living life like nothing happened, I had passed this one on to the closed files. It was something that had happened to me a long time ago and sometimes in "what if..."scenarios I'd realise just how lucky I had been. 

Fast forward ten years. The edge of my left trapezius muscle starts getting stiff on some days. Whenever I move my shoulder blade in an up and down motion, it makes an ugly sound. It's only the left one, though. 

Another few years. I start working out. It's more often than not these days that my shoulder blade catches on the edge of my trapezius and my upper back is tense most of the time. Working out releases some of the tension. Sometimes when the tension lessens, I get aural migraines and have to puke from the pain. Probably just bad posture. Still only the left side.

Another few years later. I start MMA. I'm a leftie. The catching of the shoulder blade on the edge of the muscle, the reduced movement radius and the pain make things a little harder, but not unbearable. It works okay. Not well, but okay. Some days now, my right side starts to show symptoms, too. I've been having this for so long, it can't be that bad.

Summer 2014. Made a strange move with my head when I tried looking over my right shoulder. Can't move without pain. Have to sit down. Go to work where my boss asks me why I'm so pale. Tell her I'm not feeling well. Am sick to my stomach from the pain. After a few hours I cannot sit anymore because it hurts. Decide to stand up. Cannot support the weight of my own head with the muscles in my neck because it hurts so bad. Sit down again. Start crying when the pain comes rushing in in waves. My boss tells me to go to the doctor. Now. Like: NOW! Cannot get up. My boss sends someone to buy pain meds. After I took two 400 Ibuprofens I am able to make it to the doctor's office. Which was about 500m from my workplace. 

The doctor looks at me. Sits behind her desk and looks at me. Asks me where it hurts. Asks me to turn my head. Cannot physically turn my head. Pain. She says I should probably stretch more, go get a massage when everything's a little better. I don't tell her that I do yoga and go see a sports masseuse every other week. I would have probably shown these symptoms earlier if not. She prescribes me muscle relaxants and strong pain meds. As I get up to leave she asks me what I do for a living. If I needed sick leave. I considered it for a moment, then said no. I was part-time cleaning and part-time doing office/human resources work for the same company. I wanted to believe her, when she said, all I needed to do was stretch more. But. It didn't really help. 

The residual pain got stronger. I've never hat acute pain like that after this incident, but my upper back hurt. Every. Single. Day. 

A couple of months ago I realised I was eating pain meds like other people eat candy. I thought about going to the doctor again. Decided against it and stretched more. 

Then, one day, the feeling in my left hand left partly. There was a tingling sensation where I still felt something. I called my boss and asked her to see our work physiotherapist. And Wednesday I went. I finally got to go. She was nice. Asked lots of questions. Told me if she did not know I was in pain, she would have never seen anything. My posture is better than average and outwardly there's not much to see. Then she bend and shaped me a little. Tried the flexibility of my muscles, limbs, how my arms move, everything. 

Finally she said: "There's a slight disturbance somewhere around your C5. And your spine from there down to T5 is really rigid. I believe that this stems from the same trauma that caused the breaking of your T5, but because everybody was focused on the broken vertebra, they might have easily overlooked any trauma in the soft tissue surrounding your spine." 

So there it was. My ghost had come back to haunt me again. And it had brought friends. 

It is a strange feeling when you've been dealing with something a long time ago and have actually found closure, just to find out that nothing is as easy as it seems. I got some spine mobility exercises from my physiotherapist and now - only one and a half day later - I am pain-free for the first time in ages! 

I have to do an exercise similar to this, just a little higher. This mobilises the thoracic spine, if you put the resistance across your shoulder blades, and bend your head back in a half-circle, you mobilise your cervical spine.

There are two things I am feeling right now:

1: relief. Constant pain is something you learn to live with, but you are always kind of strung out, weary, there's always this voice in the back of your head: "It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Acknowledge the pain." You only realise that when you're pain-free. It's like Bucky Barnes once said: "Worse off became the new normal", but that doesn't mean that worse off is good.

2: anger, frustration at myself for not seeking help years earlier. For letting it come so far. 

So, take good care of your back. Keep old injuries in mind whenever there are symptoms close to them. Go to the doctor on time. Here are some great exercises for spine mobility: 

Utthita Trikonasana expands your chest and shoulders, increases neck mobility and stretches your spinal muscles. Plus many other things. 

And this is one of my favourite exercises to help thoracic mobility. 

And here's kind of a cheat sheet for quick spinal mobility exercises and better posture. 

I hope you got a little bit out of my experience and maybe a little inspiration to give your back a little love <3